We all have moments when the darkness feels overwhelming, when the weight of life makes it hard to get out of bed, let alone muster a smile. Sometimes it’s easier to hide behind a mask, pretending to be okay when deep down you feel empty, numb. I’ve been there, too.
For a long time, I did everything I could to avoid feeling anything. I locked away my emotions in a box and threw the key deep into the recesses of my mind. I convinced myself that feeling nothing was the only way to cope with the pain. My personal escape was anorexia.
When I didn’t eat, I felt powerful. It was the one thing I could control—what I put into my body, and what I didn’t. The less I ate, the more I felt my emotions drain away. I believed I had found the perfect way to feel nothing. To become numb.
But numbness isn’t real. It’s a lie we tell ourselves to avoid the truth: that what we are trying to hide still festers beneath the surface. In my attempt to suppress all emotion, I unknowingly created a space for anger, bitterness, and despair to thrive. I didn’t feel nothing. I felt everything, in ways that were toxic and out of control.
I was angry at the world for allowing so much pain. I was angry at my family for not seeing my struggle. Most of all, I was angry at myself for not being able to hold it together. That anger turned into exhaustion—so deep and consuming that it left me feeling like I had nothing left to give. I wanted it all to stop. But in that lowest moment, I made one last decision: to live.
In that decision, I chose to feel. I chose to be vulnerable. And that meant opening the box I had sealed so tightly. At first, it felt like everything I had been avoiding flooded in all at once—raw, painful, and unrelenting. But I kept going. I talked to people. I allowed myself to ask for help. Slowly, through the struggle, I began to see light in the darkness.
Healing didn’t happen overnight. It’s a daily choice, a conscious decision to take another step, even when everything feels impossible. But each day I fought for my mental health, the darkness loosened its grip. The pain didn’t disappear, but I learned to live with it, and eventually, it became part of the story that gave me strength. It gave me a purpose.
Now, I look back and realize that what I thought was the end was really the beginning of something more. I discovered a passion for helping others, for showing them that it’s possible to step out of the darkness and into the light.
If you’re feeling numb, angry, or bitter, you don’t have to carry it alone. Sometimes, the first step to healing is simply talking about it. It’s scary to let someone in, but that one conversation could be the key to unlocking a new chapter in your life. One that’s filled with hope, possibility, and life.
Keep going. One step. One moment. One conversation at a time. Your story is not over.
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